From the Private, Personal Diary of Noelle Frost
Dear Diary -
I guess I've had a couple more days to think about things, about what I'm doing... and I'm beginning to worry that I'm two different people. Like, one is the sweet girl that -- let's call him "A" -- that A thinks I am, and that I want to be when I'm with him. The other is darker, more dangerous, more physical, I guess, that I become with "B". But I'm not suffering from any Sibyl sort of split personality thing, so I know they're both me. And I guess... I guess I have to figure out if I really need to keep those two sides separate from each other. And if that's really even possible in the long run.
I told A about B, sorta. Well, I told him that there was a B, but that I still liked him, liked A, and wanted to see where that went. He's so good to me, Diary, he said I was worth the wait while I figure things out. He calls me nice names and says good things to me -- and B calls me a dumb bimbo, and yet I still want to spend time with him. What's wrong with me? But wait -- that's not really fair to B. It's easy to make him seem like the bad guy, so that if some stranger were reading this, they'd tell me to drop him like a bad habit and move on with A. He can be really sweet too, really... sensitive, at times. And I feel like maybe there's this big huge act that is how he is with almost everyone, almost all the time... but sometimes the mask slips, and he's as gentle as his touch on my neck.
There's more, of course. When isn't there? Another friend of mine, another hero, may be interested in B. And if, as I promised him, there was to be nothing more between us than simply physical stuff, and we were only going to do this while we both wanted to -- how do I reconcile that with the little twinge that goes through my chest when I hear gossip about the two of them?
Chill, Noelle, you must chill.
Oh jeez, and I didn't even mention the really heartbreaking stuff. Mavra talked to Streak.
I got a couple of postcards from him, saying he's doing well, seeing things, and will come back when it's the right time... and I was fine with that until Mavra told me she spoke with him. If he were to come back.. and oh god, how I want him to come back, want things to be like they used to be... but then what do I do about A? And B?
I want this to be simple, Diary. Want to arrest the bad guys, hang with my friends, get ahead, and all that stuff. And yet I'm drowning in other things. I gotta talk to Jason again, I guess. I saw him last night, and made some comment about B -- and well, there might have been a worse thing he could say, but I'd have a hard time coming up with it. But I so trust him, and his counsel, that I have to find the time to sit down and talk to him again. Maybe he can make sense of the mess I seem to have made of my life.
Hey Diary -- remember when it was all a simple matter of "Do I ever think I'll find a guy who likes me that I can tolerate back?" Sigh.
N.
I guess I've had a couple more days to think about things, about what I'm doing... and I'm beginning to worry that I'm two different people. Like, one is the sweet girl that -- let's call him "A" -- that A thinks I am, and that I want to be when I'm with him. The other is darker, more dangerous, more physical, I guess, that I become with "B". But I'm not suffering from any Sibyl sort of split personality thing, so I know they're both me. And I guess... I guess I have to figure out if I really need to keep those two sides separate from each other. And if that's really even possible in the long run.
I told A about B, sorta. Well, I told him that there was a B, but that I still liked him, liked A, and wanted to see where that went. He's so good to me, Diary, he said I was worth the wait while I figure things out. He calls me nice names and says good things to me -- and B calls me a dumb bimbo, and yet I still want to spend time with him. What's wrong with me? But wait -- that's not really fair to B. It's easy to make him seem like the bad guy, so that if some stranger were reading this, they'd tell me to drop him like a bad habit and move on with A. He can be really sweet too, really... sensitive, at times. And I feel like maybe there's this big huge act that is how he is with almost everyone, almost all the time... but sometimes the mask slips, and he's as gentle as his touch on my neck.
There's more, of course. When isn't there? Another friend of mine, another hero, may be interested in B. And if, as I promised him, there was to be nothing more between us than simply physical stuff, and we were only going to do this while we both wanted to -- how do I reconcile that with the little twinge that goes through my chest when I hear gossip about the two of them?
Chill, Noelle, you must chill.
Oh jeez, and I didn't even mention the really heartbreaking stuff. Mavra talked to Streak.
I got a couple of postcards from him, saying he's doing well, seeing things, and will come back when it's the right time... and I was fine with that until Mavra told me she spoke with him. If he were to come back.. and oh god, how I want him to come back, want things to be like they used to be... but then what do I do about A? And B?
I want this to be simple, Diary. Want to arrest the bad guys, hang with my friends, get ahead, and all that stuff. And yet I'm drowning in other things. I gotta talk to Jason again, I guess. I saw him last night, and made some comment about B -- and well, there might have been a worse thing he could say, but I'd have a hard time coming up with it. But I so trust him, and his counsel, that I have to find the time to sit down and talk to him again. Maybe he can make sense of the mess I seem to have made of my life.
Hey Diary -- remember when it was all a simple matter of "Do I ever think I'll find a guy who likes me that I can tolerate back?" Sigh.
N.
posted by ktbuffy at 5:02 PM
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