From the Private, Personal Diary of Noelle Frost

Dear Diary -

I think life just became a whole lot simpler.

Since Streak left, I've been sorta... at odds with myself, you know? Trying different things, being with different people, wanting to be who and what I was before, at the same time as I kinda wanted to be something completely different. Basically, I was a mess. And my whole "I can just have a relationship based on sex and nothing more" was part of that, even while the part of me that was still very much me thought -- deep down -- that maybe people are changeable, and something might grow out of what we had.

Well, I'm over that.

You know that part of "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" when the grinch hears the singing, and his heart grows three sizes, and bursts the X-ray thingie? I think something like that happened to me last night. Sort of. Though maybe it was my brain rather than my heart.

But I'm jumping ahead of myself. I'd been chatting most of the day with A, promising to meet up later after I'd done some shopping. He actually ended up meeting me in Icon, giving me the thumbs up on my new skirt, and then I tagged along with him on a mission to find some kind of computer code. I don't know what it was exactly, but with all the Crey goons protecting it, you know if was something majorly important. We'd just finished, and were going to see about doing something less... ummm... kicky and punchy... when he got called away. Which was a bummer, though we made plans to get together again soon.

And then, with the luck that is mine, I got a call from Tina Macintyre at Portal Corp asking me to check on something over in Peregrine, and to bring a few friends. So I did, and just as I'd grabbed Erin, and Carter, and a nice Irish guy named MysticHunter to help, B buzzed me, literally asking if I wanted to make out. I had to grin, but I told him no, that I'd see him later.

And I did. After we took care of the first thing, we had to rush over to another building and do a crazy, race-against-the-clock sweep of all three floors to keep these portal components from falling into the wrong hands. Well... do robots have hands? Anyway, then Erin had something else that needed doing, something big, so we grabbed a few more people, including B, and headed into a portal.

Gah. I hate that big room. I remember the first time I ever went in there, how cool I thought it was, how utterly amazing... now I just think it's loud, and makes my stomach woozy and my head hurt each time I pass through it.

But we took care of Erin's big problem, with only a few minor difficulties (and some bumps and bruises on my part), and then most everyone peeled off til it was just me and B. And he had something that needed doing in Brickstown, so we hightailed it over there to crash a Carnie party in a giant warehouse, all decked out with rugs and couches and striped tents hung from the ceilings and crazy lighting. And I was doing fine again, until I got distracted. Afterwards, we were sitting on one of the couches (I wonder what'll come of them? Maybe there's like some kind of police auction, and I can pick one up for the apartment?) and talking, and yes, making out, and I just... had that moment, I guess.

I mean, I knew this wasn't going to be something I was going to do forever. And I know it wasn't fair to A. And despite what Jason told me, I think, maybe, deep down... deep, DEEP down... I did think that I might be the one to change him, to change B. But he has so much else going on right now, and I couldn't help but hear, even as we were kissing, some of the chatter going on the Alliance comm, and there was just this... moment... this realization...

I thought he said that maybe he'd care when I moved on. And I realized that that mattered to me, but when he wouldn't admit it, wouldn't say it any clearer, and in fact, didn't think he was the caring sort...

It was suddenly ok, and I could do the moving on we'd talked about. So I stood up, and told him he was right. That I was too much of a girl to do this kind of a thing with no strings, and it'd been fun... LOTS of fun... but I owed it to A to give him a try, without complications.

And B said he'd still be there, the same as before, if anything changed. And I kinda think that's a little sad.

Change is hard, and it hurts sometimes, but it's worth every last bit of pain when we come through the other side and find something better. Find that we're better. Better people, better heroes, better friends... better lovers.

So tomorrow, hopefully, I'll see A and give him the good news. If he'll have me... if he still wants me... I want to give us a try.

-Noelle